RIP SpeedTouch Modem I

The wind was ruthless, the trees quivered violently, wooden talons scratching at the bruised sky. A flash of murderous blue light washed over every shadow and shape for a brief moment, then the angry rumble of a thousand gods roared through suburbia's rows of echoing boxes, alighting atoms, molecules and volts to vibrant electric heights. I lay asleep, unaware of the violence around me, the wet earth clinging to helpless roots, my idling modem weeping silently with fear and despondence. I awoke to a small box, breathless, cold, feeble red light blinking lifelessly, and I realise I had lost a dear friend. I never acknowleged him, I used him mercilessly and left him to fight the wrath of nature, electricity and physics alone, unarmed.

It is easier to say he died of natural causes, my SpeedTouch Modem I, rather than blame Mother Nature, that squat, feisty bitch, or even to consider that it may have been suicide - one can never be sure of such things. But the following days passed as a vacuous and meaningless miasma as I struggled with my grief at such a tremendous loss. I thought of my inaccessible Outlook Express inbox rapidly filling uncontrollably with daily notes and newsletters, of my neglected Myspace profile, and I thought of you, dear readers, suffering from a listless want of "witty cultural dissections", amusing jibes and vile cuss-words illustrating the madness of our existence.

But since the joyous arrival of SpeedTouch Modem I's replacement, SpeedTouch Modem II, in a grinning, shorts-and-knee-socks attired postman's arms on a bright glitter-tinged morning, I have once again plunged myself into the glorious world of electronic ecstacy. I have returned to appease you, dear readers, and to re-educate the educated with my priceless idiocy and bullshit. Rejoice, for I am back.

Image: The Daily Siege