Copping a Feel

Being freshly single, I've found a new lease on life and have broken free from the bonds of social fatigue and anxiety. Sadly, that cold little corner of my bed will always house a ghost of my naked and smoking ex-boyfriend, and every so often a debilitating ache behind my sternum when an old polaroid or memento is discovered will remind me of my inherent loneliness. But I rejoice, for no longer must I lounge around in my dusty room watching prime time television waiting for His arrival, no more avoiding social soirees for fear of having nothing to relate with people of my age, and no more wasting money on superfluous, expensive and uncomfortable lacy underwear. I've started listening to Peaches, flirting shamelessly with men and women alike, and indulging in the various vices of youth. I'm catching up with all you punks!

In the wake of a recent encounter with a seemingly promising man, I've realised that no matter what university he went to (Cambridge), what gifts he offers (Huxley books), what car he drives (Mercedes) or what shoes he wears (Ferragamo), often men just jump headlong into a situation, talking endlessly, assuming he will be enough to keep things interesting, and generally thinking with his prick. Quite obviously this guy turned out to be ... well, a prick.

So here are some tips for you imbecilic menfolk:

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  Be confident, but not arrogant.


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  Avoid trying to impress. Just be cool, man!


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  Be slightly aloof. It makes chicks all hot and eager.


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  A conversation is not an interview. And don't disagree all the time just to appear interesting and rebellious - it's fucking annoying! Try to find something to relate, you dig?


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  Be casual and comfortable.


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  Laugh!


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  Don't make sleazy or sexual (or even corny) remarks, but do respond (ever so carefully) to female flirtations.
  

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

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  At the end of the night, DON'T make any obvious, sudden, physically invading moves.


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  Test the waters before kissing.


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  Don't start talking erotic. Just shut up and be romantic. Fuck.


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  Slip something nice about her appearance and personality into the conversation. Appearance is more important because chicks are vain. That's not their fault, it was imposed upon them by society.


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  If you've kissed, then THAT'S IT! Hide your semi and back off, leave it for another time. SERIOUSLY. No matter how much you "reckon she's up for it", just be a gentleman. Let her make the moves. I can't stress this enough!
  

Should I send this to the male equivalent of Cosmo?